Hello and welcome to my misery. The first thing I should say here is that it’s probably better if I hold my tongue on this one. Yet, that feels impossible when a game makes me so very angry! I’ve hated Rocket League since my ‘friend’ tricked me into spending fifteen of my own pounds to buy this garbage. So, imagine the level of rage I suffered when the game became free to play.
This is a game where cars play football. I know, who asked for that? It’s easy to blame everyone else for your mistakes, but sometimes you have to ask yourself: What was I thinking when I caved in to peer pressure and bought a game about cars playing football? Rocket League has tormented me for a decade now, so it’s time to ask a serious question. Why did it destroy my sanity?
Where do I Begin?
Normally, when I load up Rocket League, my ears are assaulted by the jarring music. Thankfully, I turned it off years ago. I’m absolutely shocking at this game. If you were expecting to see some crazy gameplay from me, full of tricks and talent, then I’ll happily disappoint you. My ability is equal to the quality of the gameplay itself: pathetic.
There are different modes for you to play. There is a casual mode, where nothing matters, a competitive mode, where things slightly matter, and a tournament mode, which doesn’t matter to me because I’ve never bothered trying it. Then there is the training mode, where it’s impossible to hit the ball. My friend told me that a lot of training would be required for me to compete. I ignored him, and I wonder what he’d think if he saw me play now.
As training was a total waste of time, I decided to find out if a competitive game would give me any satisfaction. My games would look absolutely atrocious to any pros watching. There are no fouls, so you can ‘demo’ players whenever you want. In the last minute, my own teammate tackled me when I was through on goal, yet I still managed to score the winning goal in my first game.
How Many People Can I Disappoint at Once?
There are a few different options when it comes to team sizes, and each mode is unique. Solos are very intense and tactical, where one mistake is brutally punished. Your movement must be perfect. Duos are a lot of pressure. There is an unbearable weight on your shoulders knowing that your teammate is relying on you. If they’re not very nice, they’ll berate you in the chat.
It’s even worse when they are nice, though, because the feeling of letting them down will consume you.
Trios is a free-for-all, where no one knows what is going on. All three players chase every ball without a second thought of what the team needs. Crashes are inevitable, and the mode makes me feel like I’ve been transported away from Rocket League and into a Bumper Cars activity in Great Yarmouth. Then I saw the Quads mode, and I truly wish I hadn’t. It was an awful experience. There is a good chance that I only touched the ball twice, and my anger was about to reach its maximum capacity.
Is There Anything That Makes Rocket League Worth Playing?
Probably not. The gameplay feels clunky, but what do I expect from a game where cars are playing football? You can find boost scattered around the arena, which is incredibly valuable because without it, you’re a snail, and you run the risk of being called a ‘Noob’.
I’d imagine that Rocket League is a completely different experience if you’re good at the game, and you can fly through the air doing mad tricks. Unfortunately, I’m just never going to put in the ten thousand hours required to compete at the lowest levels. I don’t even like the idea of soaring through the air with the ball anyway. In real football, teams are ridiculed for hoofing the ball in the air, yet for some reason, that is glorified in Rocket League. It’s so confusing.
You can customise your car in the Garage, but in all honesty, why would you waste your time? The shop and Rocket Pass are full of nonsense, and I’ve never understood how any money is earned out of it.
There is something about a ranking system, but I don’t know or care enough about it to explain it. What I do know is that you won’t survive Rocket League with a poor internet connection. You can check the scoreboard to see how badly you’re performing, but in all honesty, I probably wouldn’t bother.
What is Happening to Humanity?
Sometimes people are nice in the game chat, other times not so much. I don’t reply either way. Although sometimes I just can’t resist, even if I am aware that that says a lot about me. I just don’t understand how people quit so easily. So often my team has gone a goal down, and my two teammates decide to vote to forfeit. Where is the fight? Or the grit? Whenever that happens to me, I lean forward to concentrate more, yet people now seem to want to run a mile. I really do despair for the fate of humanity.
Rocket League seems to be full of weirdoes who care way too much about a game where cars are playing football. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve been called a ‘Noob’ in the game chat by players lower on the leaderboard than me. Years ago, my random teammate was so bemused by my ability that he thought it was necessary to send me a large, paragraphed message on PlayStation. Something about retrieving boost when I should have been watching the goal. It did make me wonder what he was doing at the time. The Noob.
So, is my Sanity Destroyed by Rocket League?
Yes. I’d imagine that your experience of Rocket League is different to mine. It’s been years since I accepted that my level is the absolute bottom of the barrel. The scum in the darkness, that’s me and the rest of the nobodies in my rank. Sorry, ‘Noobs’.
I had planned to review a different game this week, but my PlayStation 3 decided not to work. As I’d been on holiday for two weeks, the window was too small to complete a large story game. My only option was to review something which I could easily rant about. So, that’s how I ended up reviewing a game I absolutely despise, and unfortunately, a small part of me has died doing it.
I know I’ve mentioned it many times before, but Rocket League is a game where f****** cars play football! Why do people take such a stupid game so seriously? And why do I feel so angry about something so trivial? Am I the pathetic one? I think I need to lie down. This is usually the part of the video where I say something positive to summarise. I’ll see if I can think of something… forget it.
Verdict
My overall rating for Rocket League is 2/10.
The video for this blog post will be uploaded to YouTube at 6 pm BST. Link: https://youtu.be/1hpcEc1cPuA
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